Pneumonia is not a pretty thing.
Strep throat is not a lovely occurrence.
Feeling the sensation of dying...is not something I seek, however I have now experienced this sensation several times and until recently, I now know why my body has sought this sensation and occurrence in my life.
Over the past week I have been recovering from a compounded pneumonia/strep infection that pierced open my nervous system to something deeper than I had ever been willing to look at.
As I share, I encourage you all to glance if but for a moment, at what your "illness's" are showing you about your soul in distress.
It came on out of now where and all I could feel in my HEAD, was discouragement that I was ill during the holiday season, births lined up, deadlines looming and here I was flat out in bed sitting at 103.8 hallucinating off of the Harry Potter sequels in the "sick room" upstairs.
I felt helpless, alone, ashamed, and spiteful....all emotions from not being the superwoman I felt I should be right now. I resisted tirelessly against this sickness fully well knowing I should succumb to it and experience it all. The temperature, the aches, the coughing, the bloody sputum, the frequent vomiting...All I knew is that if I let go and allowed myself to be sick, there would not be anyone there to take care of me. Rage filled my heart against my husband.
"Why was he not taking care of me?" "Why didn't he comfort me and nourish me?"...why was I creating this same feeling again that I was helpless, alone and afraid needing him to "make it all better"?
I know this was nothing to do with my husband...this was a deep vacancy of my father.
With more Jin Shin applied to my body, and more positive prayer to my body...I surrendered into the emotions.
The sobbing and the crying was non-stop. I felt deeply into my heart (pneumonia) what I needed and what I knew I could give myself...it was not something that any man had or could really give me. SELF LOVE
So you may say to yourself..." sure, that seems easy enough to figure out when you sick...NOT!"
Within the realms of pre and perinatal theories, specifically within The Birth of New Earth curriculum, we look at all illness as a deep imprint from birth and deeper into the pre-conception environment. The emotions imprint into our nervous system response, into our mind perception, into our body mechanics, into our energy and thus into our manifestations of "experiences". Wouldn't we all just love to manifest goodness and love, clarity and divine being all the time? Well of course...first we must all walk through the shadow aspects of ourselves to recognize the genesis, the origin, and transform the imprint.
What was it about the vacancy of my father that continually brought about the self loathing, self deterioration, illness in the heart chakras and arenas and perpetually brought me to a place of death through out life?
First off, something we all need to take in is that in recognizing an "origin" or genesis, we are not making anyone of our parents, grandparents or elders WRONG. We can hold a place of forgiveness in and around our being and be fully aware at the same time. To transform something you must first recognize what it is. This is not the same as blame. Blame and victim hood IS the way of living perpetually in the dysfunction and game of making someone WRONG.
My father was in no way interested in being a father to another child. He was very clear with my mother in many abusive ways; emotionally, mentally, sexually.. that under no circumstances was my mother to have another child. She felt deeply within, very differently about that. She knew that she was meant to bring me forth.
My mother also suffered fervently and to no avail, with Negative RH. A blood factor condition in mothers who are not compatible with the placental and fetal blood. Many women can take a shot for the balancing of this, however my mother could not. She faced death every time she conceived a child.
My father was not conscious of my conception and in fact was completely unaware that my mother had stopped taking her birth control when they were "together".
After much work with Jin Shin and The Birth of New Earth curriculum, I have been able to recognize the patterns and ramifications of these choices on my parents part. I have also forgiven them, as I know and see now that I still had a choice as well in which to embody in this life. I know I have come here to offer this information to other parents and to stop the dysfunction within my own lineage.
As I lay there exhausted from crying and wailing out for the love from my father....there was nothing left within me to let go of.
I had forgiven him for not being present, and that I was committed to being present in my own life again.
I forgave him for not wanting me, and committed myself to wanting my life and accepting myself.
I let go of his addictions and vacancy within his body upon my conception, and I acknowledged that I have been seeking a way to leave my own body so as not to continually feel his "confusion".
"It is no longer mine, and was never mine...it is you dad....I let you go out of my body."
I feel into a deep sleep.
I dreamt about my three children I know that I will bring forth one day.
I dreamt about community and doing amazing work on the planet for parents.
I dreamt about an upcoming birth going solo without either midwife present and baby being fine.
I awoke to my bladder and the dog's.
I proceeded to stand up and put on my robe. I was very aware that my feet and legs were holding me up for the first time in 5 days.
I took a large drink of water and let it spill down my now slowly opening throat. I heard it gurgle in my very emaciated stomach and intestines.
I proceeded to the hall and switched on the light, noticing that my husband had turned off all the lights and finally went to bed after a late night of wrapping gifts and decorating the house.
Manzanita (the dog) followed behind me closely and galloped down the stairs leaving bits of her fur on the stairs....The husband will have to vacuum for me now, as I can barely stand up at this point.
I noticed on my way down the stairs that my headache had left my body and that the anguishing dizziness was gone.
I walked through the kitchen,noticed it was 3 am...almost time for Donnie to wake and go to work. I turned on the stove light for him.
I casually walked to the front door, thinking that the dog should go before me.
I unlocked the door and stepped out and as I started to shut the door...I hear as loud as someone standing next to me, "Why are you leaving? You are not ready to go."
I immediately replied as if I knew this voice, "I'm taking the dog for a walk in the yard..."
The voice touched my body with it's sadness..." You are not awake. You are dying."
I awoke.
The entire moment was a dream.
I feel that I was dying. I know that I was leaving my body.
After nothing is "left" in a deep cleansing such as this, I do know it is normal for us to leave our bodies. Whether or not we choice to come back into them is between our GOD and us.
I know that I choose to come back as myself and not the vacancy of my father.
How many of us really dig deep when we are sick? We can be responsible to our bodies and families and yes, take care and take what we need to to get better. Do we look at the underlying cause? The underlying "illness"?
I have seen in just one week dramatic transformations in my interactions within my marriage and family.
I am present.
I am loving.
I am acknowledging of myself and others to a deeper level.
I am clearing an inter-generational trauma that I do not want in my children nor the next 7 generations to come....There will not be any vacant being in my womb.
About Me
- MacKenzie
- Salida, Colorado, United States
- I am a doula, student midwife,& elderly midwife. Mother of one, homebirth advocate & foremost, a conscious conception advocate. I have been passionate about birth studies, the education & benefits of homebirth, midwives, & sustainable birthing practices for over 13 years. I am currently available for labor support at home or in the hospital settings.Currently studying with the "Birthsong" midwifery guide, an apprentice with a CPM, certifying in Conscious Conception Sex Education , & working towards my MEAC & NARM credentials for certification as a CPM. I am also a student of pre & perinatle psychotherapies under the tutilage of Karlton Terry & team, Jeanice Barcelo & Birth of a new Earth curriculm. I feel and know strongly that until we educate about the crucial importance of our bodies abilities to remember our human potential only then will we see women seeking out midwives who honor this & encourage the sustainability our bodies provide during birth! Founding member of Wisdom Within non-profit & passionate advocate of the Ringing Cedar Series.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Tony Porter: A call to men | Video on TED.com
Tony Porter: A call to men Video on TED.com
discussion and blog to follow...sit with this and really consider what your first impression is when you hear the word..."man".
discussion and blog to follow...sit with this and really consider what your first impression is when you hear the word..."man".
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Evolution of the mother.
What is support? How does this impact the planet? That is a question many of us feel. We deeply believe that the Planet will take care of itself. Or perhaps that the man in the heaven's will mend all the destruction we have caused. I invite you to consider differently, if only for this moment. This moment of consideration and slight shift of perspective could very well alter your entire being forever, and for the better. You are loved, you are nurtured and all will come into light eventually. ( this is that Christ energy I was prev. speaking of...) TRUTH OF WHO YOU ARE!
This can inevitably cause us to examine a fundamental principle in the birth working field..."what is support?"
Is support standing guardian over birth ensuring you have exhausted your resources for this family, this individual so that the most optimum outcome is achieved?
Is support silently holding space not one of personal opinion nor wisdom..but one of just holding space for this families vision of birth or an individuals perception of their personal greatness?
Is support shining light on the truth of what your medical intuition, spiritual intuition and highest source are "showing" you to be the facts?
Is support enabling a dysfunctional nervous system response in someone by remaining silent, or is support empowering them to their greatest potential?
When we as birth workers and spiritual midwives come upon a client or colleague who is not in integrity with what they have communicated their goals, or their vision of creation to be..is it not our role to provide them with the experience, knowledge and wisdom they seek from us. Is this not us ourselves stepping into our own "great spirit" and Christ energy?
I have had a recent experience regarding supporting the evolution of a mother. I call the support I attempted to give her, evolution due to this simple truth that I have come to personally know.
Evolution of a mother is a mother who is fearlessly introspecting who she is and who she has become by examining the imprint she is potentially passing on through the nervous system response, and the somatic and limbic imprint upon conception. In the consciousness of this process a fully human being can be born using fully 100% of it's brain, body, spiritual potential. This is the evolution of man for the parents who choose to participate in this consciousness are giving birth and co-creating within the divine and with the divine itself.
How do we know that conscious birth gives way to a fully 100% human being?
All of our personal responses, and perceptions are formed and will continue to manifest throughout the gestational period as manifestations within the nervous system, the brain, the body and ultimately the character of who this human is. We continue to energetically recapitulate these into manifestation and experience in the human form and ripple them into the Planet.
A parent that is choosing to feel supported by a midwife, physician, body worker or friend that disregards their own knowledge of what can potentially harm, or alienate this parent or individual from their own birth experience is not supporting authentically; they are enabling this dysfunction.
An authentic support in this arena would be better called a wound mate. For it is the wounds they are choosing to dys-FUNCTION around.
As a student midwife, and birth worker I fully support a woman to take a stand to NOT dig deeper. There are many families who do not need to be birthing at home..for a home birth takes 100% commitment to digging, planting consciously,weeding, , and harvesting for as long as it takes.
As a student midwife, I of course have my own opinions of how birth should be and look to better the planet and the communities it nourishes..yet an opinion is an individuals own experiences being spoken. How can one have an opinion without the experience?
A perception is based upon a listening we have of another human being. This perception is planted between people the moment they interact. It is up to each of us to nourish whatever that perception is if we are to cultivate our relationships to their highest good. It is also our duty to weed and transform other's listening of our own ways of being. 100% accountability.
Many of us have not done the work to even know who we are being, let alone see and recognize it in another....thus midwives, healers, wise womyn are called such by their community.
The evolution of a mother is a fundamental garden that continues to require diligent planting of introspection, weeding of the shadow aspects, watering with unconditional love and compassion, and harvesting the forward movement of her highest potential for herself, her family, her community and planet.
Some do choose to not step into this garden. That is their choice. They are not wrong. They too require love and resources...so what do we call this type of support?
I feel strongly that this is the optimal environment and reason we have hospitals for women who choose them. There are many more years of transforming the systems in place for better mother/baby outcome...yet some families KNOW that their own activations are better managed and maintained within the medical systems. If a mother KNOWS she can not go to the shadow and the deep imprints for the fear that grips her...that is her clear choice to birth in the hospital and somehow I can not help but KNOW TOO, that deep within her wisdom she regards this as part of her journey back to inner truth and knowledge. This is her journey that brings her one step closer to the genesis of her own birth trauma. Whether or not she is conscious of this or not depends on her own fearlessness to accept "support" and empowerment or enabling illusions.
This can inevitably cause us to examine a fundamental principle in the birth working field..."what is support?"
Is support standing guardian over birth ensuring you have exhausted your resources for this family, this individual so that the most optimum outcome is achieved?
Is support silently holding space not one of personal opinion nor wisdom..but one of just holding space for this families vision of birth or an individuals perception of their personal greatness?
Is support shining light on the truth of what your medical intuition, spiritual intuition and highest source are "showing" you to be the facts?
Is support enabling a dysfunctional nervous system response in someone by remaining silent, or is support empowering them to their greatest potential?
When we as birth workers and spiritual midwives come upon a client or colleague who is not in integrity with what they have communicated their goals, or their vision of creation to be..is it not our role to provide them with the experience, knowledge and wisdom they seek from us. Is this not us ourselves stepping into our own "great spirit" and Christ energy?
I have had a recent experience regarding supporting the evolution of a mother. I call the support I attempted to give her, evolution due to this simple truth that I have come to personally know.
Evolution of a mother is a mother who is fearlessly introspecting who she is and who she has become by examining the imprint she is potentially passing on through the nervous system response, and the somatic and limbic imprint upon conception. In the consciousness of this process a fully human being can be born using fully 100% of it's brain, body, spiritual potential. This is the evolution of man for the parents who choose to participate in this consciousness are giving birth and co-creating within the divine and with the divine itself.
How do we know that conscious birth gives way to a fully 100% human being?
All of our personal responses, and perceptions are formed and will continue to manifest throughout the gestational period as manifestations within the nervous system, the brain, the body and ultimately the character of who this human is. We continue to energetically recapitulate these into manifestation and experience in the human form and ripple them into the Planet.
A parent that is choosing to feel supported by a midwife, physician, body worker or friend that disregards their own knowledge of what can potentially harm, or alienate this parent or individual from their own birth experience is not supporting authentically; they are enabling this dysfunction.
An authentic support in this arena would be better called a wound mate. For it is the wounds they are choosing to dys-FUNCTION around.
As a student midwife, and birth worker I fully support a woman to take a stand to NOT dig deeper. There are many families who do not need to be birthing at home..for a home birth takes 100% commitment to digging, planting consciously,weeding, , and harvesting for as long as it takes.
As a student midwife, I of course have my own opinions of how birth should be and look to better the planet and the communities it nourishes..yet an opinion is an individuals own experiences being spoken. How can one have an opinion without the experience?
A perception is based upon a listening we have of another human being. This perception is planted between people the moment they interact. It is up to each of us to nourish whatever that perception is if we are to cultivate our relationships to their highest good. It is also our duty to weed and transform other's listening of our own ways of being. 100% accountability.
Many of us have not done the work to even know who we are being, let alone see and recognize it in another....thus midwives, healers, wise womyn are called such by their community.
The evolution of a mother is a fundamental garden that continues to require diligent planting of introspection, weeding of the shadow aspects, watering with unconditional love and compassion, and harvesting the forward movement of her highest potential for herself, her family, her community and planet.
Some do choose to not step into this garden. That is their choice. They are not wrong. They too require love and resources...so what do we call this type of support?
I feel strongly that this is the optimal environment and reason we have hospitals for women who choose them. There are many more years of transforming the systems in place for better mother/baby outcome...yet some families KNOW that their own activations are better managed and maintained within the medical systems. If a mother KNOWS she can not go to the shadow and the deep imprints for the fear that grips her...that is her clear choice to birth in the hospital and somehow I can not help but KNOW TOO, that deep within her wisdom she regards this as part of her journey back to inner truth and knowledge. This is her journey that brings her one step closer to the genesis of her own birth trauma. Whether or not she is conscious of this or not depends on her own fearlessness to accept "support" and empowerment or enabling illusions.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
All roads lead to clarity; A year of awakening the wisdom within.
Approximately one year ago I was surrounded by a dark shroud of a shadow aspect within myself.
I was taking stock of all that was "not working" and attempting to gain clarity regarding my life and what the heck was I doing on the planet. I was not in any means attempting to take my life...rather understand why it had unfolded the manor in which it has, the struggles the ups and downs, and why didn't I have all the answers already?
I did what most of us do in society and I turned to GOD.
With all due respect...GOD is not what we think he/she is. I would like to share with you what I have personally found and you may take from it what you will.....this is not an intention to abruptly jar you from your belief systems, or change your spirituality. This is to share an aspect of the piece we are missing in regards to the GOD self within us all.
I started with a seed thought I had been gestating for several years and doing work on diligently yet seemed to be going no where with that particular perspective; GOD exists as a man in the clouds, GOD rules over us and dominates us, GOD abandons us when the going gets tough. So, are you wondering if I have found the light yet? Have I become some holy roller snake charmer residing in the swamps of Arkansas River valley, Salida, CO. ?
I must mention that I do know that we are of a source that is called by many, GOD.
I do know that Christ lived, taught, died on the cross. I know that Christ was the son of GOD as are we.
I also know that Christ, like all of us....was and is to this day, an energy. The energy is called TRUTH.
The energy of truth comes from infinite clarity of being. I can say I have touched this space many times, yet always seem to loose my grasp when outside influences or shadow begin to creep in to my perspective throughout the day. The infinite clarity is one of being fully 100% aware, awake, and ready to take hold of an amazing energy that one can feel takes them to the height of all that is possible. This is the GOD energy. This is what GOD has intended for us all and in fact, if we reference the bible...we are all made in the image and likeness of GOD. We are bits and pieces, factoids and cells of GOD energy.
Now how in the World did I come to know this you are asking.... I can tell you it was not found in some book translated down through the ages with a spin of ego from man's agenda dependant on the environmental, and political arena of the time.
It was not found by meditating on light beings in an ornate ashram while praying to a deity.
It was not discovered rolling in the sheets with some gorgeous Ladies man, man's man, man about town.
It was not even found fasting.
It has begun to be found, discovered to be sustainable, and realized within me through all of these modalities being the path that has lead me to clarity. All of these experiences, thoughts, modifications of "faith" and reading of ancient text have directed me toward what has kept me from my GOD self...the Christ energy within me. THE TRUTH of who I am.
I was a dysfunctional mother, an insecure wife, a jealous friend, a spiteful lover, and an inadequate midwife and doula. I was not BEING fully 100% what GOD intended me to be.....Truth, love, and light.
So how the heck do I find those qualities within myself when I am searching outside of myself? I know you all have asked yourself this before.
I began to dig. I began to face this shadow head on instead of dance with it and give it what it wanted like some temper tantrum throwing 3 yr. old. I shook it's hand, greeted it with unconditional love, and got down to work. The work has been about the conception of my soul at birth.
Wither or not you feel that GOD holds all souls or our soul is irrelevant in regards to our conception is not what is at play in this journey towards your wisdom within. It is that ENERGY is real. It conducts; It feeds; It creates what ever it is focused and infused into.
At conception, what our parents are feeling, thinking, knowing, and focused on IS & WILL CREATE OUR SEED ENERGY...our soul.
With Seven Generations Midwifery, my intention is to open the veil of illusion about what lovemaking is in regards to birth. To unmask the shadow of lies we have been lead to believe about GOD and what GOD wants for us. To gently guide parents, soul mates, youth, and elderly towards a glimpse of what is possible if only we can courageously look within our own bodies and what they are manifesting in the immediate for answers about who we are at a soul level. At a conception level. At a pre-conception level...at the level in which our selves and our society has lost it's ability to know the infinite potential and possibility that resides within all of us and in everything we do.
I encourage you today to look around at your surroundings and glimpse into what at a soul GOD level you are co-creating with yourself. What are you manifesting in your body. What are you manifesting into your daily experience. You are not separate from GOD...he is not a puppeteer. You do have a say in what your creating and I will say with absolute certainty that it is layers upon layers of shadow and ego that keep you from experiencing Heaven on Earth.
I was taking stock of all that was "not working" and attempting to gain clarity regarding my life and what the heck was I doing on the planet. I was not in any means attempting to take my life...rather understand why it had unfolded the manor in which it has, the struggles the ups and downs, and why didn't I have all the answers already?
I did what most of us do in society and I turned to GOD.
With all due respect...GOD is not what we think he/she is. I would like to share with you what I have personally found and you may take from it what you will.....this is not an intention to abruptly jar you from your belief systems, or change your spirituality. This is to share an aspect of the piece we are missing in regards to the GOD self within us all.
I started with a seed thought I had been gestating for several years and doing work on diligently yet seemed to be going no where with that particular perspective; GOD exists as a man in the clouds, GOD rules over us and dominates us, GOD abandons us when the going gets tough. So, are you wondering if I have found the light yet? Have I become some holy roller snake charmer residing in the swamps of Arkansas River valley, Salida, CO. ?
I must mention that I do know that we are of a source that is called by many, GOD.
I do know that Christ lived, taught, died on the cross. I know that Christ was the son of GOD as are we.
I also know that Christ, like all of us....was and is to this day, an energy. The energy is called TRUTH.
The energy of truth comes from infinite clarity of being. I can say I have touched this space many times, yet always seem to loose my grasp when outside influences or shadow begin to creep in to my perspective throughout the day. The infinite clarity is one of being fully 100% aware, awake, and ready to take hold of an amazing energy that one can feel takes them to the height of all that is possible. This is the GOD energy. This is what GOD has intended for us all and in fact, if we reference the bible...we are all made in the image and likeness of GOD. We are bits and pieces, factoids and cells of GOD energy.
Now how in the World did I come to know this you are asking.... I can tell you it was not found in some book translated down through the ages with a spin of ego from man's agenda dependant on the environmental, and political arena of the time.
It was not found by meditating on light beings in an ornate ashram while praying to a deity.
It was not discovered rolling in the sheets with some gorgeous Ladies man, man's man, man about town.
It was not even found fasting.
It has begun to be found, discovered to be sustainable, and realized within me through all of these modalities being the path that has lead me to clarity. All of these experiences, thoughts, modifications of "faith" and reading of ancient text have directed me toward what has kept me from my GOD self...the Christ energy within me. THE TRUTH of who I am.
I was a dysfunctional mother, an insecure wife, a jealous friend, a spiteful lover, and an inadequate midwife and doula. I was not BEING fully 100% what GOD intended me to be.....Truth, love, and light.
So how the heck do I find those qualities within myself when I am searching outside of myself? I know you all have asked yourself this before.
I began to dig. I began to face this shadow head on instead of dance with it and give it what it wanted like some temper tantrum throwing 3 yr. old. I shook it's hand, greeted it with unconditional love, and got down to work. The work has been about the conception of my soul at birth.
Wither or not you feel that GOD holds all souls or our soul is irrelevant in regards to our conception is not what is at play in this journey towards your wisdom within. It is that ENERGY is real. It conducts; It feeds; It creates what ever it is focused and infused into.
At conception, what our parents are feeling, thinking, knowing, and focused on IS & WILL CREATE OUR SEED ENERGY...our soul.
With Seven Generations Midwifery, my intention is to open the veil of illusion about what lovemaking is in regards to birth. To unmask the shadow of lies we have been lead to believe about GOD and what GOD wants for us. To gently guide parents, soul mates, youth, and elderly towards a glimpse of what is possible if only we can courageously look within our own bodies and what they are manifesting in the immediate for answers about who we are at a soul level. At a conception level. At a pre-conception level...at the level in which our selves and our society has lost it's ability to know the infinite potential and possibility that resides within all of us and in everything we do.
I encourage you today to look around at your surroundings and glimpse into what at a soul GOD level you are co-creating with yourself. What are you manifesting in your body. What are you manifesting into your daily experience. You are not separate from GOD...he is not a puppeteer. You do have a say in what your creating and I will say with absolute certainty that it is layers upon layers of shadow and ego that keep you from experiencing Heaven on Earth.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Gestation of myself
So, greetings. If you are a reader of this blog you will know that I have not visited this site in over a year. I was gestating to put it lightly.
I want to share with you the importance of introspection and more importantly the greatness and "ritual" of allowing it to occur in what ever time frame it wishes to gestate. If we as birth advocates and birth workers find it so easily to declare that things must be honored in taking time and coming forth when they dream..IE: babies, thus why do we as women not allow it enough time to gestate, grow and birth within ourselves. Why are we in such a hurry that we are now manifesting thyroid cancer as our number one killer amongst ourselves? Over this past year, I have come to some enormous realizations and sharing for you all regarding the grace we have forgotten to see within ourselves.
I would say that my journey into being a doula and has not only been sorted and a struggle to say the least but also a love hate relationship at best. I have always considered myself to one that battles an inner voice and meaning making machine that dominates my "radio head" constantly in regards to success and where I am at. Comparisons run deep within my being.
"I should be here, or I should have this completed!" Is a constant state of my playback.
I was fortunate to have a blessing in disguise this past year in regards to my health, my relationships, and my entire perspective of confidence. That is what we all attempt to "draw" out in our clients, is it not? How often to we check in with our own confidence in this arena?
My gestation with breaking down my exterior was prompted by a sudden falling out with a dear friend. I went over and over in my mind why she did not "see" all the internal work I perceived I had been doing on myself over the years. How dare she declare to me, my husband, and close friends that I was not doing any type of transformation. Who the hell was she?
Shocked to my core that I had trusted this friend, depended upon her for advice, looked to her for guidance and thus was feeling more exposed and vulnerable than ever in my life. My other relationships dwindled and areas of my life took back stage as I began to obsess over this friendship and the falling out of it all. Where had I lost sight in knowing myself?
The greatest gift we can give one another is the gift of truth....this was what she had given me.
I thus realized I had sooo much of my own confidence wrapped up in her opinion, I had lost my own...or did I ever have one to begin with. I am also someone who functions from a subconscious place of "love me like me and approve of me" a genesis of my birth, and conception I feel.
What a gift to give me the core of my inadequacies in a loving manor that I now see.
We know that as midwives and doulas that our communities are the ones who "call" us forth to do our purpose here on the planet....in all my frustrations over the years of not looking like a successful doula or chasing the midwifery dream, I was doing all of this from a place of unknowing hoping the next certification would bring a piece of the puzzle complete or just one more birth may finally allow the little mountain town I reside in to "see" my knowledge. How could they if I do not acknowledge it first within myself? Am I less of a midwife because I don't have a liscence?
As the push for certification of midwives as CPM gains leverage and options within our legislation I could easily and passionately say that that is the key for me to finally get to were I perceive I am going with all my knowledge and purpose; yet I now know that first the confidence needs to be born.
For all of us offering our guidance to a woman and man during birth, let us never forget that she has not lost her knowing, nor has she lost her confidence in how to birth...she may just need some guidance back to it all. Ask yourself first if you yourself have the confidence of birth, of birthing yourself into being, and do you have your "knowing" intact and never giving it to someone else by choice.
It IS all about what your are choosing to "birth" and what "ritual" you are bringing to the ceremony of life.
Happy birthing to all!
I want to share with you the importance of introspection and more importantly the greatness and "ritual" of allowing it to occur in what ever time frame it wishes to gestate. If we as birth advocates and birth workers find it so easily to declare that things must be honored in taking time and coming forth when they dream..IE: babies, thus why do we as women not allow it enough time to gestate, grow and birth within ourselves. Why are we in such a hurry that we are now manifesting thyroid cancer as our number one killer amongst ourselves? Over this past year, I have come to some enormous realizations and sharing for you all regarding the grace we have forgotten to see within ourselves.
I would say that my journey into being a doula and has not only been sorted and a struggle to say the least but also a love hate relationship at best. I have always considered myself to one that battles an inner voice and meaning making machine that dominates my "radio head" constantly in regards to success and where I am at. Comparisons run deep within my being.
"I should be here, or I should have this completed!" Is a constant state of my playback.
I was fortunate to have a blessing in disguise this past year in regards to my health, my relationships, and my entire perspective of confidence. That is what we all attempt to "draw" out in our clients, is it not? How often to we check in with our own confidence in this arena?
My gestation with breaking down my exterior was prompted by a sudden falling out with a dear friend. I went over and over in my mind why she did not "see" all the internal work I perceived I had been doing on myself over the years. How dare she declare to me, my husband, and close friends that I was not doing any type of transformation. Who the hell was she?
Shocked to my core that I had trusted this friend, depended upon her for advice, looked to her for guidance and thus was feeling more exposed and vulnerable than ever in my life. My other relationships dwindled and areas of my life took back stage as I began to obsess over this friendship and the falling out of it all. Where had I lost sight in knowing myself?
The greatest gift we can give one another is the gift of truth....this was what she had given me.
I thus realized I had sooo much of my own confidence wrapped up in her opinion, I had lost my own...or did I ever have one to begin with. I am also someone who functions from a subconscious place of "love me like me and approve of me" a genesis of my birth, and conception I feel.
What a gift to give me the core of my inadequacies in a loving manor that I now see.
We know that as midwives and doulas that our communities are the ones who "call" us forth to do our purpose here on the planet....in all my frustrations over the years of not looking like a successful doula or chasing the midwifery dream, I was doing all of this from a place of unknowing hoping the next certification would bring a piece of the puzzle complete or just one more birth may finally allow the little mountain town I reside in to "see" my knowledge. How could they if I do not acknowledge it first within myself? Am I less of a midwife because I don't have a liscence?
As the push for certification of midwives as CPM gains leverage and options within our legislation I could easily and passionately say that that is the key for me to finally get to were I perceive I am going with all my knowledge and purpose; yet I now know that first the confidence needs to be born.
For all of us offering our guidance to a woman and man during birth, let us never forget that she has not lost her knowing, nor has she lost her confidence in how to birth...she may just need some guidance back to it all. Ask yourself first if you yourself have the confidence of birth, of birthing yourself into being, and do you have your "knowing" intact and never giving it to someone else by choice.
It IS all about what your are choosing to "birth" and what "ritual" you are bringing to the ceremony of life.
Happy birthing to all!
Sunday, November 9, 2008
"Is it stereo typing to say all midwives have gray hair?"
Approximatly 13 years ago I began my venture into the "birth worlds". I call it a world, largely because those of us who do birth work, live , drink, and eat birth related material and experiances. It is quite difficult to teach another about this who is not a doula, childbirth educator, midwife, or lactation consultant. Heck, I would even put OB nurses in this batch.
When you find yourself passionate about something, it becomes your life. "You are what you love...not what loves you..." Is this not the truth?
So, I am learning how to juggle being a mother, balancing my own study time and work at a nursing home all to boot. I think there is a husband in the mix as well. I am constantly checking in with where I am at in my progression in learning and have to remind myself the sacrafice of enjoying a small town lifestyle and being a mother and wife in regards to how long it is taking to get births under by belt and study with midwives.
I began to observe a trend amoung younger midwives. They were all very balanced and young; They seemed to have alot of traveling under their belts, and had experianced a variety of apprentaships. Everything from Peru to London.
Then the light bulb went off. They did not have all the rest to juggle. They were childless, un-married, and free to the wind to learn and soak it all up no matter what the climate. What was the response though from clients who knew they did not have children and had not actually experiance childbirth? What was the temperature of discussion when her "life" experiance of childbirth was vast and thourough, and yet she had never had the ups and downs of marriage and birth?
Then I looked to the midwives with gray hair. They had raised numerous children and watched them all grow. Assisted them with their own births and marriage counseling. They had forged paths in their own communities and let go of the conferances they SOOOO wanted to attend overseas. They went through the years waiting for the couple of clients who would forgo the hospital birth and give homebirth a try. They struggled with their own spirituality and their place in birth and they watched the grey hairs grow in over time.
Do you know that moment that you hit yourself on the head and realize the answer was right in front of you the whole time? That was the moment that hit me last night as I read about a conferance in San Diego I am creating on going to.
It hit me that I have been blessed with the opportunity to have had a child...and to not have anymore. I have been blessed to have a husband that encourages me to break free of "what I think" the learning will look like. I am blessed to be going into pre-menopause and to understand it is my body's way of encouraging me forward towards my dream and to be ok with not having more children.
I appreciate all the young vibrant energy of midwives who are forging their own way in the birth communities who may not have the "family" knowledge that comes with giving birth and marriage, however they infuse birth with excitment and energy that the others may not have as we juggle another type of life.
I acknowledge the grey haired women who are passing the torch with excitment mixed with tears in their eyes as they watch the new students step up to what will surely be a wild and fullfiling ride along with some new grey hairs.
When you find yourself passionate about something, it becomes your life. "You are what you love...not what loves you..." Is this not the truth?
So, I am learning how to juggle being a mother, balancing my own study time and work at a nursing home all to boot. I think there is a husband in the mix as well. I am constantly checking in with where I am at in my progression in learning and have to remind myself the sacrafice of enjoying a small town lifestyle and being a mother and wife in regards to how long it is taking to get births under by belt and study with midwives.
I began to observe a trend amoung younger midwives. They were all very balanced and young; They seemed to have alot of traveling under their belts, and had experianced a variety of apprentaships. Everything from Peru to London.
Then the light bulb went off. They did not have all the rest to juggle. They were childless, un-married, and free to the wind to learn and soak it all up no matter what the climate. What was the response though from clients who knew they did not have children and had not actually experiance childbirth? What was the temperature of discussion when her "life" experiance of childbirth was vast and thourough, and yet she had never had the ups and downs of marriage and birth?
Then I looked to the midwives with gray hair. They had raised numerous children and watched them all grow. Assisted them with their own births and marriage counseling. They had forged paths in their own communities and let go of the conferances they SOOOO wanted to attend overseas. They went through the years waiting for the couple of clients who would forgo the hospital birth and give homebirth a try. They struggled with their own spirituality and their place in birth and they watched the grey hairs grow in over time.
Do you know that moment that you hit yourself on the head and realize the answer was right in front of you the whole time? That was the moment that hit me last night as I read about a conferance in San Diego I am creating on going to.
It hit me that I have been blessed with the opportunity to have had a child...and to not have anymore. I have been blessed to have a husband that encourages me to break free of "what I think" the learning will look like. I am blessed to be going into pre-menopause and to understand it is my body's way of encouraging me forward towards my dream and to be ok with not having more children.
I appreciate all the young vibrant energy of midwives who are forging their own way in the birth communities who may not have the "family" knowledge that comes with giving birth and marriage, however they infuse birth with excitment and energy that the others may not have as we juggle another type of life.
I acknowledge the grey haired women who are passing the torch with excitment mixed with tears in their eyes as they watch the new students step up to what will surely be a wild and fullfiling ride along with some new grey hairs.
Friday, November 7, 2008
"Seeking married white compassionate mother"
Compassion. Ok, say that in your head a couple of times over and over. Compassion. What is it to you individually? Is Compassion having understanding? Is it letting things slide off of your back? Is it not being judgemental and do any of us have that one mastered yet.
I have been passionatly striving this week to cultivate compassion for those who may not chose to "see" what I see when it comes to birth and best practices. I often find myself coming right back to me.
I have a guide, and I call her this due to the dislike she has in being called a teacher; so I have this guide and in her reminding me of the reflection we all are of one another, you can not help but go back to yourself with everything.
So, here I am not understanding why clients do not take the herbs they ask me to reccomend. Why the clients say they want a midwife, and yet never seek one out. Why mothers go to a place of instant fear in the face of something unknown instead of seeking out the women they trust to "be in their village"...so on and so forth.
Then, there it is facing me smack dab in the face.....myself. These women are all some reflection and aspect of myself. I am the creator of my reality. I am that, I am.
Do I follow thru with my own regiment of herbs I know I should be taking? Do I seek out the practioners that I know I may benefit from? How many times have I not reached out to the women who I know will guide me and assit me in my journey and yet I do not. I know that for my "guide and dear friend" must have some enormous compassion & patience for me.
Compassion and being in action is the new task at hand this month.
Listen unconditionally. Be with the other person 100%. Have compassion for yourself when your goals are not met. Know that you are exactly where you need to be in your journey and cultivate understanding when you do not neccisarily understand. Take responsibility when IT IS YOURS TO TAKE, let the other person have their own as well.
The doula's credo for the year!
I have been passionatly striving this week to cultivate compassion for those who may not chose to "see" what I see when it comes to birth and best practices. I often find myself coming right back to me.
I have a guide, and I call her this due to the dislike she has in being called a teacher; so I have this guide and in her reminding me of the reflection we all are of one another, you can not help but go back to yourself with everything.
So, here I am not understanding why clients do not take the herbs they ask me to reccomend. Why the clients say they want a midwife, and yet never seek one out. Why mothers go to a place of instant fear in the face of something unknown instead of seeking out the women they trust to "be in their village"...so on and so forth.
Then, there it is facing me smack dab in the face.....myself. These women are all some reflection and aspect of myself. I am the creator of my reality. I am that, I am.
Do I follow thru with my own regiment of herbs I know I should be taking? Do I seek out the practioners that I know I may benefit from? How many times have I not reached out to the women who I know will guide me and assit me in my journey and yet I do not. I know that for my "guide and dear friend" must have some enormous compassion & patience for me.
Compassion and being in action is the new task at hand this month.
Listen unconditionally. Be with the other person 100%. Have compassion for yourself when your goals are not met. Know that you are exactly where you need to be in your journey and cultivate understanding when you do not neccisarily understand. Take responsibility when IT IS YOURS TO TAKE, let the other person have their own as well.
The doula's credo for the year!
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