Vacancy of the father

Pneumonia is not a pretty thing.
Strep throat is not a lovely occurrence.
Feeling the sensation of dying...is not something I seek, however I have now experienced this sensation several times and until recently, I now know why my body has sought this sensation and occurrence in my life.
Over the past week I have been recovering from a compounded pneumonia/strep infection that pierced open my nervous system to something deeper than I had ever been willing to look at.
As I share, I encourage you all to glance if but for a moment, at what your "illness's" are showing you about your soul in distress.

It came on out of now where and all I could feel in my HEAD, was discouragement that I was ill during the holiday season, births lined up, deadlines looming and here I was flat out in bed sitting at 103.8 hallucinating off of the Harry Potter sequels in the "sick room" upstairs.
I felt helpless, alone, ashamed, and spiteful....all emotions from not being the superwoman I felt I should be right now. I resisted tirelessly against this sickness fully well knowing I should succumb to it and experience it all. The temperature, the aches, the coughing, the bloody sputum, the frequent vomiting...All I knew is that if I let go and allowed myself to be sick, there would not be anyone there to take care of me. Rage filled my heart against my husband.
"Why was he not taking care of me?" "Why didn't he comfort me and nourish me?"...why was I creating this same feeling again that I was helpless, alone and afraid needing him to "make it all better"?
I know this was nothing to do with my husband...this was a deep vacancy of my father.
With more Jin Shin applied to my body, and more positive prayer to my body...I surrendered into the emotions.
The sobbing and the crying was non-stop. I felt deeply into my heart (pneumonia) what I needed and what I knew I could give myself...it was not something that any man had or could really give me. SELF LOVE
So you may say to yourself..." sure, that seems easy enough to figure out when you sick...NOT!"
Within the realms of pre and perinatal theories, specifically within The Birth of New Earth curriculum, we look at all illness as a deep imprint from birth and deeper into the pre-conception environment. The emotions imprint into our nervous system response, into our mind perception, into our body mechanics, into our energy and thus into our manifestations of "experiences". Wouldn't we all just love to manifest goodness and love, clarity and divine being all the time? Well of course...first we must all walk through the shadow aspects of ourselves to recognize the genesis, the origin, and transform the imprint.
What was it about the vacancy of my father that continually brought about the self loathing, self deterioration, illness in the heart chakras and arenas and perpetually brought me to a place of death through out life?
First off, something we all need to take in is that in recognizing an "origin" or genesis, we are not making anyone of our parents, grandparents or elders WRONG. We can hold a place of forgiveness in and around our being and be fully aware at the same time. To transform something you must first recognize what it is. This is not the same as blame. Blame and victim hood IS the way of living perpetually in the dysfunction and game of making someone WRONG.

My father was in no way interested in being a father to another child. He was very clear with my mother in many abusive ways; emotionally, mentally, sexually.. that under no circumstances was my mother to have another child. She felt deeply within, very differently about that. She knew that she was meant to bring me forth.
My mother also suffered fervently and to no avail, with Negative RH. A blood factor condition in mothers who are not compatible with the placental and fetal blood. Many women can take a shot for the balancing of this, however my mother could not. She faced death every time she conceived a child.
My father was not conscious of my conception and in fact was completely unaware that my mother had stopped taking her birth control when they were "together".
After much work with Jin Shin and The Birth of New Earth curriculum, I have been able to recognize the patterns and ramifications of these choices on my parents part. I have also forgiven them, as I know and see now that I still had a choice as well in which to embody in this life. I know I have come here to offer this information to other parents and to stop the dysfunction within my own lineage.
As I lay there exhausted from crying and wailing out for the love from my father....there was nothing left within me to let go of.
I had forgiven him for not being present, and that I was committed to being present in my own life again.
I forgave him for not wanting me, and committed myself to wanting my life and accepting myself.
I let go of his addictions and vacancy within his body upon my conception, and I acknowledged that I have been seeking a way to leave my own body so as not to continually feel his "confusion".
"It is no longer mine, and was never mine...it is you dad....I let you go out of my body."
I feel into a deep sleep.
I dreamt about my three children I know that I will bring forth one day.
I dreamt about community and doing amazing work on the planet for parents.
I dreamt about an upcoming birth going solo without either midwife present and baby being fine.
I awoke to my bladder and the dog's.
I proceeded to stand up and put on my robe. I was very aware that my feet and legs were holding me up for the first time in 5 days.
I took a large drink of water and let it spill down my now slowly opening throat. I heard it gurgle in my very emaciated stomach and intestines.
I proceeded to the hall and switched on the light, noticing that my husband had turned off all the lights and finally went to bed after a late night of wrapping gifts and decorating the house.
Manzanita (the dog) followed behind me closely and galloped down the stairs leaving bits of her fur on the stairs....The husband will have to vacuum for me now, as I can barely stand up at this point.
I noticed on my way down the stairs that my headache had left my body and that the anguishing dizziness was gone.
I walked through the kitchen,noticed it was 3 am...almost time for Donnie to wake and go to work. I turned on the stove light for him.
I casually walked to the front door, thinking that the dog should go before me.
I unlocked the door and stepped out and as I started to shut the door...I hear as loud as someone standing next to me, "Why are you leaving? You are not ready to go."
I immediately replied as if I knew this voice, "I'm taking the dog for a walk in the yard..."
The voice touched my body with it's sadness..." You are not awake. You are dying."

I awoke.
The entire moment was a dream.
I feel that I was dying. I know that I was leaving my body.

After nothing is "left" in a deep cleansing such as this, I do know it is normal for us to leave our bodies. Whether or not we choice to come back into them is between our GOD and us.
I know that I choose to come back as myself and not the vacancy of my father.

How many of us really dig deep when we are sick? We can be responsible to our bodies and families and yes, take care and take what we need to to get better. Do we look at the underlying cause? The underlying "illness"?
I have seen in just one week dramatic transformations in my interactions within my marriage and family.
I am present.
I am loving.
I am acknowledging of myself and others to a deeper level.
I am clearing an inter-generational trauma that I do not want in my children nor the next 7 generations to come....There will not be any vacant being in my womb.